Work in progress. My perpetual status. I hope that never changes. I have learned so much about myself in the past few years.

Recently I wanted to jump back into some creative work of my own. I desired to explore a space, for a purpose that I almost never have before: self discovery.

Uniting with others in mission, heart, and vision can certainly bring great fulfillment and joy. It can expand your world and align you with God and others in beautiful and unimaginable ways. It can draw out creativity that wouldn’t have birthed on its own. Undeniably, it is wonderful to work for collective purposes above our own, and I’ve wholeheartedly sacrificed a great portion of my life on that noble altar. But a lifetime of self-neglect is not wonderful.

“And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?  

Is anything worth more than your soul?”

Matthew 16:26

Our individual purpose is so beautifully interwoven with God’s purpose and we should never neglect that. For too long I remained indifferent to all that God created me to be, and only employed parts of me. And when doing so I often employed those parts to celebrate, embrace, cheer on, develop, and uncover purpose for others, all the while ignoring my own self. And yes, all of THAT is part of who I am, it’s my personality and that won’t stop, but it’s not all of me.

I knowingly allowed my full-self to hide behind my part-self.

Confession: I have given too much weight to the non-affirming words and actions of others when it comes to evaluating my creative gifts, talents, abilities, and passions. Self-evaluation is crucial, and so is the feedback of trusted friends, colleagues, and loved ones, but I am not talking constructive criticism, I am talking about people’s strange ease in telling me just how far I fall short of being me: I’ve never been good enough in music and arts, pretty enough for an album cover, persuasive or eloquent enough in writing, confident enough speaking to others, or quite simply I am not a man so that thing, that personality trait, or that position doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been told that I think too big and that I am too sincere.

And yes, it’s often said that one cannot live with their head in the clouds, but what if I was called to live in the clouds, to be a risk-taker, to be the one that makes lofty dreams, and bonkers ideas come to life? And why would I ever come down from that place? Below the clouds is not where I thrive, nor where I belong. I’m hardly a square, but will always be the heart-shaped peg that won’t fit in the round hole.

I blame no one but me for imbibing the toxic, allowing words to steal my joy, betraying my true self, and believing that I am less than.

I have apologized too many times for my bold spirit.

I have failed to push myself as I have done with others.

I have failed to give credit to my Creator for me.

I have failed to reflect my Creator.

I have failed to fully trust and employ Christ in me.

But I am ready to “sing a new song.”

And in efforts to discover more of myself – to be my full created self – I set out into new territory. A wilderness that is my own. Failures will be prevalent, mistakes will be made. Self-assurance grounded in God’s design for my life will reign, and self-awareness never more clear. Life will continue to test my heart, my relationships, my patience, my resolve, my courage, my faith, and my hope. And I will be more prepared than ever.

As God has revealed more of Himself to me, I intend to reveal more of my heart to Him, to others, and to myself. I want to continue seeing God, others, and myself with eyes wide open, and react with loving God, others, and myself better than I ever have.

In response, I’ve had a painting style in mind for several months and keep seeing it in my head over and over. I am testing a bit to canvas and seeing dormant ideas awaken. Where previously I would have tested this and kept it in a back log of ideas for when it would align with a shared vision, I am just going for it and sharing it straight from my heart, unfiltered. Maybe this is the vision.

And without trepidation I am open to criticism – desiring to be pushed, shaped, refined; and I am poised to receive it in full view and awareness of the woman that God created me to be.

This is my work in progress. This is me.

“I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.”

Psalm 139:14

The first piece below was test number one inspired by the winter night sky. The second piece below is an exploration of pain/heartache. And the piece above came to me while listening to/watching “Interstellar” a few weeks ago (a top 5 movie for me).

“We’ve always defined ourselves by the ability to overcome the impossible. And we count these moments. These moments when we dare to aim higher, to break barriers, to reach for the stars, to make the unknown known. We count these moments as our proudest achievements. But we lost all that. Or perhaps we’ve just forgotten that we are still pioneers. And we’ve barely begun. And that our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us.” 

 #painting #art #fruition #create #creativity #stylechallenge #texture #layers #acryliconcanvas #inspired #interstellar #gravity #dimensions

“The glory of God is man fully alive.” ~ St. Irenaeus of Lyons

Check me out at instagram.com/darla_charmaine