I’m a girly girl. I enjoy checking out the latest makeup, skincare, hair products, fashion, style, health, and self-enrichment finds. If you use a micro essence or hyaluronic acid treatment that is EVERYTHING, then yup, I want to know. If you found an energizing lifestyle routine or health management strategy – especially if you suffer from autoimmune disease – you better preach. Tell me all about it. In detail. Over a ceremonial grade matcha tea, preferably.

Now, I’m not typically so feisty online, BUT . . .

LADIES.

If you are trying to promote healthier lifestyles, cellulite or under eye creams, your MLM makeup business, live your best life journals, “be your own kind of beautiful” mantras, or want others to join your Bible study or ladies book club: I DO NOT buy it if two posts later I see you making fun of another woman’s fashion, makeup, hairstyle, body, or lifestyle choices. This is a diverse world that, especially amongst women, needs more kindness and promotion of genuine creativity and self-expression than petty mean girls who perpetuate unhealthy cycles of self-consciousness. You might as well have just wrote, “I’M JUDGE-Y!!!!” Your frivolous post gets a hard eye roll from me. @@

Here’s the deal. I really don’t care what you wear. I really don’t care what she wears. I don’t care if some fashion seems silly to you. I just know that the young girl you’ve been trying to mentor or that lady that you invited to your bible study or book club saw your post and has a pair of jeans just like the ones that make you GAG. And now, every time she puts them on she might (a) think of a tiny-little-judge-y-you standing on her shoulder making a mockery, (b) be certain to not wear them in front of you, (c) choose to distance herself from you, or (d) <<this is the hope>> tell herself she looks awesome and not think of you at all. It seems like a little thing, but your words could very well be recharging patterns of self-consciousness and distrust of self.

So please just STOP. Preserve her confidence without saying a word. Let her be the one to one day say, “what was I thinking wearing those jeans!” Or maybe she’ll say, “I loved wearing those jeans, they were so unique and fun!” Let her decide. Let her be her. And hey, if she bought those jeans she likely possesses more confidence than you. Don’t tear her down just because you can’t “pull them off.” Maybe you can’t and I probably can’t either, but maybe she can. And she should.

Here is my heartfelt question for you. What do you benefit from showing others how judgmental you about something like clothing or hairstyles? Maybe 20 comments from followers who agree with you (because you made them feel bad or uncomfortable about something else already)? If a pair of jeans or a poofy hairstyle seriously offends you to the point that you post a Facebook manifesto flaunting your disgust, is it because you were once teased about such things? Did you feel pressured to participate in mean girl talk just to fit in as a teenager OR even as an adult? If so, I am genuinely sorry that this happened to you.

In my life I have made a lot of interesting fashion and style choices. And I have had strangers, acquaintances, and even women in my extended family who made it clear that my looks and preferences didn’t measure up to their standards of beauty or personal preference. I once had a co-worker say, “you are just one of those girls who doesn’t care about how she looks.” Umm, ok, what does that even mean? You would have thought I was walking around with my skirt stuffed into pantyhose, hadn’t brushed my hair in a week, or was showing off a dried up milk mustache. Geesh. I just happened to wear my hair a little different that day. Seriously. I parted it in the middle.

About 7 or 8 years ago at a family member’s funeral wake, and in front of several others, a great aunt criticized the food I was placing on my plate. Her tactic was to me publicly shame me into losing weight.

“Do you think you should be taking that? Looks like you gained about 20 lbs since I last saw you.”

After years of holding it together in front of her, and now as an adult with tears streaming down my face, I blasted her for criticizing my looks, listed off my life accomplishments, celebrated things I liked about myself, and finished it off with sharing that my lifelong struggle with weight gain and loss was recently diagnosed as an effect of severe autoimmune issues and hormonal imbalance. Though I proclaimed the same faith as her (she was a “church lady” through and through), I looked her up and down and I said that I didn’t believe that she knew the same kind and loving God as me just based on how she has treated me or others throughout my entire life. I then threw down my plate and walked out the door.

Yeah, not my typical response or finest moment, but after years of holding it in and trying to politely respond, or even being told to ignore her, I LOST IT. (She did apologize to me and never said a word about my physical appearance again.)

Luckily for me, my mom and grandmothers were always kind and supportive and even let me make choices that they themselves would not have made for me. They taught me not to wear anything ill-fitting for my constantly changing figure, but aside from that I had a lot of freedom. Do I regret hairstyles or laugh at outfits I wore? OF COURSE! But I do it with a smile and with gratitude to those precious women for not making me feel small. If anything, they allowed me these simple choices of self-expression.

Now, does this mean that I don’t want you to tell me if my vegan bronzer rubbed on my collar, if my bra strap is showing doesn’t have enough padding in a cold room, if there’s a dribble of buttered coffee on my chin, arugula stuck in my tooth, a little boogie hanging, or if the zipper is down on my jeans? C’mon, we should all know “girl code” by now. Help a sister out!

I simply request that you stop leading mean girl conversations. And if you have a young daughter (or influence over girls or women in any capacity), please think of her overhearing your diminutive talk and then seeing a classmate sporting a style that YOU just picked on. Can she now pick on her friend? Do you have time for that phone call from the teacher? Sure, it’s just clothes or hair, but it can escalate quickly and even ruin relationships.

  If you feel that way about my makeup or my shirt – things that truly don’t matter – then I can only imagine what you think about other areas of my life. I will struggle to trust you to be kind to me or others. And I feel sad for you because your world must be small – only being surrounded by superficial things and people who please you. 

Please hear me out. I don’t want to unfriend you. Honestly. I like you.

I’ve never thought about your outward appearance. Seriously. Not once. But let me encourage you to stand in front of a mirror in your favorite pair of jeans. Acknowledge your confidence.

Now turn off the lights. And give yourself a compliment not based on outward appearance. Go ahead and give yourself two more. Feels good, right? Ok, throw in one more because this is getting fun! Be kind to yourself more often and kindness will flow much easier when it comes to others. We are so much more than the shape of our bodies or even the style of jeans that we wear.

I rarely give outward appearance compliments because I trained my brain to act this way. It isn’t that I don’t think that you look great, it’s just that I struggled with weight/appearance comments throughout my life. And I have kept people that I love at a distance if they are body/self-image obsessed. I often felt that if someone saw me when I was 30 lbs lighter (having done nothing to lose it due to illness) and gave me a gushing compliment, that when they see me now 30 lbs heavier (having done nothing to gain it due to illness) that they automatically think, “wow, she’s gained weight. Eww.” And many people don’t just think it, they say it. And I don’t really care anymore, but I don’t want to make anyone feel how I used to feel.

And hey, if you still look at me and find me outwardly distracting, I apologize. When the initial shock wears off, come talk to me and I’d love to share about my life. I’ll tell you all about the community initiative project that my husband and I started in the city of Detroit to steer middle school students toward successful career choices. I’ll tell you about the people I interview and whose stories I share. I’ll tell you about the children’s book series that I’m finding overwhelmingly challenging to write, the storytelling and reconciliation project that I am launching, the civil rights advocacy group in which I am participating, the podcast that my husband and I started to have some fun as well as lobby for diversity and lead the conversation on the wage gap in the welding industry. I’ll likely share about the homeless man I had coffee with last week. I might also tell you about some amazing new Detroit restaurant, coffee shop, retail spot, performance venue, or street art.

AND . . . I want to hear all about you, too. 

Much love,

Darla

P.S. I was in a CVS pharmacy today and overheard two ladies talking – dramatically – about a local newscaster, saying how “nappy her weave” is and how they can’t stand her voice. I know that celebrities – even just local celebs – get a lot of crap for how they dress, style themselves, etc. I felt sad because I assume these women don’t know her personally. But somehow her hair seemed to ruin the day for these ladies. I just find this so odd. This is not how we should connect with or speak with other women. That’s just shallow. 

P.P.S. I was at an event with my husband a few months ago and an inebriated guy was trying to make a comparison about something in the welding industry and then foolishly said, “that’s like saying your wife is pretty for a fat girl.” Yup. That actually happened. And I was within an inch of standing trial for murder. Dudes gotta watch their words, too.